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Al Gore Repents, Obama Ends Gulf Oil Moratorium, Unemployment Numbers Plummet.

Hell, Michigan (IMpossible News) - An amazing twist of events has the American economy bouncing back. Al Gore had to break the bad news to a disheartened crowd of global warming enthusiasts in Hell, Michigan. This year isn't the only year that Hell has been frozen over, but after several mild winters the citizens of this town were hoping that Al Gore's global warming science was true. They were looking forward to all the consequences Al was promising in the years to come. When Al was asked (at a public forum) "When can we expect to see the rising temperatures that Global Warming science has promised us?" Al simply had to lower his head and admit, "I was all wrong." And then he added, "I must confess that I was totally wrong, and ask the forgiveness of the American People." He then handed back his Friends of Global Warming t-shirt to the club president, a life-long resident of Hell.
Immediately following this news, Barrack Obama appointed Sarah Palin as the new Energy Czar and called for an end to the oil drilling moratorium in the Gulf of Mexico. He then removed the ban on oil drilling in Alaska as well. Thousands of workers have been called back and millions of new jobs are being generated as a daily recovery of the American economy results. The price of gasoline at the pump is expected to go down as low as $1.25 a gallon. This will in turn lower the cost of shipping goods to market, lowering the final prices charged by retailers and saving the American public substantial sums in their yearly budget.
Al Gore will now be hosting a new reality show called, "Find Me a New Global Crisis to Exploit." See your local TV program guides for more information.
(This fictional and uncanny report is for entertainment purposes only)


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Facebook for the Political Class

Washington D.C. (IMpossible News) - Have you been so fortunate as to have played any of the land developing games found at Facebook.com? There are several like Farmville, Frontierville, Cityville and so forth. The object is to settle in, set up shop or manage the land and resources in a way that increases your points and levels of experience. My wife, the real estate tycoon has been at it longer than myself, the hobby farmer.
I think these games have tremendous merit when it comes to teaching the basics of freedom and free enterprise. You basically make your own choices on what you would like to accomplish. You can buy seed, grow, harvest and sell your crops. You can set up rentals, take in tenets and reap in the profits, or even open your own virtual bakery and expand with the demand. You can help or hire your neighbors (other players) as well. All the time getting in proportion the rewards according to the efforts you are willing to make.
I propose a a new Facebook game called "My Country" designed specifically as a learning tool for our president Obama, senate and congress. I truly believe they all would fall in love with American capitalism if they understood it. If each politician was required to play one hour a day for a month, they would probably learn more about economics than they did in college.
(See more uncanny reports at www.impossiblenews.us)


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Designing a New Army

Pentagon, Washington D.C. (IMpossible News) - Is our military "Rainbow Ready?" We have no doubt that our troops are well equipped to take on any homeland or international combat situation, but are they ready for the new policies of sexual diversity and tolerance that our president has put into force.
Yes, the generation that grew up with the Care Bears and Barney The DInosaur is now on the front lines of our war on terrorism. They most likely could sing a few bars of "I love you, you love me." and claim it does not take a mother and father to make a "Happy family." So, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, (no matter your lifestyle choice) you should be perfectly free to say you love me too.
Right now, Pentagon leaders are consulting with Michelle Obama and her favorite gay fashion designer, Jason Wu to design a new uniform style for any soldier that is ready to come out. Depending on the venue of battle, there will be a wider variety of colors and fabrics to choose from. Several accents will be available like silk scarves and high heal boots. Floral camouflage patterns are in the works as well.
To keep our troops in good morale, there will be a need for cosmetologists, interior designers, and disco DJ's to follow them where ever they roam. And now when we capture a high profile prisoner, all we have to do is threaten that they will be kissed by a Britney Spears impersonator, and they will spill they guts without hesitation.
One consequence of gays in the military though, when a man sees a bombshell, he may not know if she is real or a dud.
(This fictional report is for entertainment purposes only)


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Serving our Mexican Neighbors

Arizona (IMpossible News) -- Finally, someone has come up with a very welcome solution to the immigration crisis on the American-Mexican border. Welcome Centers are slated to be built every 100 miles along the border to assist Mexican migrants with efficient processing of visas, temporary work permits or American citizenship applications. Each center will be as modern and welcoming as our highway rest stops. Features included will be a free clinic for basic health check ups, a library of free American literature, coffee bar, spacious bathrooms with showers and baby care rooms, free survival supplies for those who must return home and a welcome committee to orient documented immigrants before entry to the USA.
Attractive brick walls will span the distance and armed narcotics officers with dogs will be posted every 1/4 mile with the latest surveillance equipment to insure the safety of immigrants entering the USA. They will also assist immigrants in finding the nearest Welcome Center.
Local churches and charities will be encouraged to engage with any Mexicans that approach the borders in need of humanitarian aid. Special border aid officers will be posted at secure portals every 1/4 mile to facilitate this form of basic needs distribution.
Any immigrants already in the USA may enter a Welcome Center to find instant amnesty and assistance in acquiring the legal documents they may need. Or they may choose at that time to return to their Mexican home town.
Similar plans are in store for the American-Canadian border, with Welcome Centers posted every 300 miles.
(This fictional report is for entertainment purposes only)


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We know our government loves us.

Cleveland, Ohio - (IMpossible News) As you are full aware of by now, our government loves you. They are very concerned about your health and the many choices you make from day to day. There are so many signs they care, I am beginning to lose count. Helmet laws, seatbelt laws, contraceptives to prevent unwanted pregnancies and STD's, and half of the package on our foods now has in big letters the calories and dietary information you deserve too know about. Tabacco products must carry bold warnings about the dangers of smoking, and may even include images of blackened lungs soon. If we are lucky, those wicked happy meals will be rendered toyless to save our children from the evil marketing schemes that bring on obesity.
But the best news of all is that a new practice tested in Cleveland may become law in all 50 states. Large posters warning women about the possible dangers of abortion will be posted in every abortion clinic. If our compassionate government gets it's way, this should be pushed through congress and the senate just before the new conservative majority takes the house in 2011. If President Barrack Obama's daughters were ever in the position of making the difficult decision to end an unwanted pregnancy, he would want them to know all the facts before going through with it. All girls and women should know the risks and the side effects that may follow if they subject themselves to an abortion.
Isn't it good to know that we live in a nation where our government takes such good care of us. And if we are lucky they will soon ban shoe laces, matches and sharp sticks.
(This fictional report is for entertainment purposes only)

Christian Community Center

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia (The Impossible News) -- In an effort to bridge the gap of understanding and convey religious tolerance, the city of Riyadh is inviting an unnamed Christian ministry organization to build a community center in the shadow of the Kingdom Centre. This 24 story building will be a center of outreach welcoming anyone of any faith to learn about the peaceful and compassionate history of the Christian church. Charitable ministries will be able to help meet the basic needs of the lower class citizens and model the unconditional love of the new testament church. Ambassadors of Saudi Arabia are hoping that this effort will ease tensions and opposition to the proposed mosque to be built near ground zero in New York City.
(Note: This is a fictional report for entertainment purpose only)

Downsizing SUV Love Affair

Hong Kong (Impossible News) -- America's appetite for big rugged SUV's is about to be downsized. Introducing the 2011 HumBee. And if you want to fit into one, you may have to go on a rice cake diet. Buzz around town or bumble around in the country with an average 42 MPG. Cargo space is just big enough for Chinese takeout. "If she's cute enough."
A fast food chain is considering offering adult happy meals that will include a Humbee in your choice of yellow, blue or red.
First lady, Michelle Obama is hopeful that the Humbee will set a new trend in tight fitting vehicles. What better way to motivate Americans to join the battle against obesity?
(Note: This is a fictional report for entertainment purpose only)

You Can't Say That.

Las Vegas (IMpossible News) - The recent firing of Juan Williams from NPR has inspired a new reality game show called "You Can't Say That!" A variety of high profile journalists, commentators and talk show hosts will be invited to conduct a 10 minute monologue on a controversial subject randomly drawn from a hat.
A four judge panel consisting of a science professor, LGBT advocate, muslim imam, and an elite career politician will critique each monologue for hot spots like hate speech, global warming denials, creationism, insults against the peaceful muslim religion, and verbal snafus like using the words "tax increase" instead of "added fees."
Any guest that makes it all the way through without the dreaded No-No buzzer will get 1 billion dollars in federal funding to help find an audience that really wants to listen to them. Those who receive all four No-No buzzers from the judges will be either fired from their jobs or required to undergo politically correct therapy rehabilitation.
(This fictional or uncanny report is for entertainment purposes only)

Grab For The Change.

Your Town, USA (IMpossible News) - With very few days left before the 2010 election, if you are not ready for more of Obama's change, then we suggest you make a grab for the change under your couch cushions. Scrape the change off your car dashboard. Scoop up the few coins on your bed stand and in your sock drawer. This may be the only fun money you have left before President Obama's new tax inflating policies have you diving under the couch cushions anyway.
The race for your loose change is on and it is best you decide what to do with it first. Why not take it all to one of those coin counting machines at your department store, exchange it for a money order and then send that to the most conservative Republican candidate running in your state election. They just might need a little extra boost to combat the smear campaigns of the left.
You know each coin has the inscription "In God We Trust" on it. Did you ever think that God is trusting you to make the difference that only you can? Get involved. Register and vote November 2, 2010.
(This fictional or uncanny report is for entertainment purposes only)

Third Door.

Anywhere, USA (IMpossible News) - When it comes to public restrooms, is it possible to make everyone happy? America has been a resilient country that has faced so many civil rights and human dignity challenges over the years. By the most part every major social obstacle has been met with millions or billions of dollars of government programs to grease the squeaky wheels.
Now we face an issue that can't be flushed away without resolve. We need restrooms for the newly classified Gender Confused. Why not make a federal ordinance that all new public buildings have a third door, or choice for that matter when it comes to those who can not find peace with doors one and two. This third one stall restroom would accommodate a wide range of redefined genders. And at the same time allow those who are at peace with their God given classifications to use the appropriate facilities without any disruptions.
Perhaps a fourth door could be considered in time for those who can't find a restroom that matches their special human rights agenda. We could put a flashing EXIT sign above that one.
(This fictional or uncanny report is for entertainment purposes only)

Going Back In Time.

Delaware (Impossible News) - Since the Democrat strategy in the contest for Delaware senate has been to pick a fight with O'Donnel's adolescent past, a very unique debate venue has been chosen back in time. Yes, Christine and Chris will be going back in time to the 1980's.
The Democrats feel they have the best chance of defeating O'Donnel there than they do in the present. The question and answer forum will take place on the gymnasium stage of Christine's old high school. No questions will be allowed that deal with the real issues of today, but any questions that have to do with youthful misdeeds or lack of good judgment will be open game.
Coon is most likely to win the debate as he has no recall of any indiscretions that could mar his squeaky clean teenage reputation.
(This fictional or uncanny report is for entertainment purposes only)

Obama bags Osama?

Washington D.C. (IMpossible News) - As the rumors are stirring already that President Barrack Obama may capture Osama Bin Laden just before the November elections, pushing the numbers in favor of Democrats, might this be a feasible scenario?
As our president loves to vacation with his family, our fantasy road trip takes us to the Redwood Forests of California where legends of the Sasquatch have long been told. Sightings of the tall hairy human-like beasts make the wooded trails all that more intriguing. Little does the first family know it, but they soon may encounter a hairy beast of another kind.
Come to find out, the elusive Osama Bin Laden has not been hold up in a cave near Pakistan, but has been managing a convenience store tourist trap on highway 101. Wearing bibbed overalls, a old felt fedora and little round wire rimmed glasses, Bin Laden just appeared to be another eccentric opportunist.
Osama and a few home grown terrorists in training happened to be hiking through the Redwood Forest when the first family came cruising and singing "Oooh Eeeh, Ooh-Ah-Ah, Ting Tang, Walla Walla Bing Bang!" when BAM! President Obama hit Osama at 50 miles per hour, killing him instantly.
After discovering the identity of the road kill, and uncovering the whole terrorist operation, Barrack and family proudly brought home their trophy souvenir to the delight of all Americans. Who knows, this story may serve as a script for a new hit Disney movie.
(This fictional or uncanny report is for entertainment purposes only)

Keep Schools Safe.

ROSWELL, New Mexico (IMpossible News) -- Research has proven that our schools are some of the safest places that students could ever be. Many different factors and stringent zero tolerance policies have made American schools a haven and refuge even in the most troubled neighborhoods. Dangerous substances and violent implements are rarely found in student possession. And now we can even be rest assured that the destructive consequences of scripture laden donuts will soon be banned from all schools as well.

Many of us concerned parents have been asking ourselves, when was someone going to wise up and lead the way. The Roswell school principal has bravely stood up and spoken out, "No More!" to these calorie saturated sugar glazed time bombs. And, little did we know that if you include a bible scripture, the repercussions of distributing donuts is ten times worse.

Could this be considered a stealthy salvo in the war against obesity. I for one am looking for our first lady, Michelle Obama to publicly commend the brave Roswell principal who blew the horn on this shameful practice and put it squarely on our homeland security radar.

Domestic terrorist dressed as Sunday school children passing out donuts, since this incident, our nation has been put on custard alert.

(This fictional or uncanny report is for entertainment purposes only)

Bill Clinton and Sarah Palin, Groovy!

New York (IMpossible News) -- Recently in a conversation aired on a ABC news program, Bill Clinton used the words (Compelling, Attractive, Persuasive and Tough) to describe what prominent woman in U.S. politics? Was it Hillary, Michelle, Sarah or Nancy? Sorry to inform Hillary, it was Sarah Palin.
My mind flashes back to a groovy 70's game show where two singles could win a date to Miami Beach and sail into the sunset. Would Bill and Sarah have shared a similar fate had they met under those circumstances.
I do not remember President Bill Clinton giving such accolades to his own beloved. I realize he was warning the left not to underestimate Sarah if she chose to throw here high heels into the ring for a 2012 presidential bid. Yet, I can not help but wonder if Hillary spilled her morning joe while jotting down the days' talking points.
(This fictional or uncanny report is for entertainment purposes only.)

We the Dogs...

Washington D.C. (IMpossible News) -- President Obama's introduction of Elizabeth Warren as a consumer watch dog accentuates his affinity towards canine comparisons. Earlier in statements this year he referred to Americans as mongrels, relating his own mixed ethnic heritage. And then at another setting he observed that his opponents talk about him like a dog. As many of his speeches seem to be seasoned with references to dogs, it does leave us with some questions.
What exactly are his long range plans for "We the dogs, of the United States of America?"
Is Obama's references to us as dogs a good thing, like man's best friend? Or are we burdensome mutts that must be fed leftovers on the back porch?
Will his economic policies reduce us to begging for crumbs at the table of the government?
Will we be able to roam freely, or will we be chained to intrusive bureaucracy?
If you have been feasting on every bone that our president throws to you, it would behoove you to decide now what kind of dog you plan to be?
(This fictional or rather absurd report is for entertainment purposes only)

Koolaid or Tea?

Delaware (Impossible News) - Rinos continue to drink koolaid even when the benefits of tea far outweigh. Sarah Palin, Jim DeMint and Christine O'Donnell have clearly demonstrated that attending tea parties promotes greater clarity in thinking, extra political stamina and undeniable results in the polls. Christine had seen lack luster outcomes in previous elections, but after a steady diet of tea and several tea party events, she notices extra strength and endurance that she did not have before.
Rino, Mike Castle, never could break from his addiction to the liberal koolaid and had become incoherent and sluggish in his final senatorial days. As a result, he may find himself spending more time in his rocker on the front porch sipping his favorite artificial beverage.
Now, the more and more Republicans are discovering the long term benefits of tea, the November 2010 elections will witness a revitalized GOP. As the Tea Parties continue to flow with the ideals of smaller government and lower taxes, the heart of America is beating stronger and Washington D.C. is bound to improve in health.
(This fictional or rather absurd report is for entertainment purposes only)

New Abstinence Program

Kansas (The Impossible News) -- A highly innovative approach is now being tested in rural Kansas schools when it comes to abstinence education. The new "Ooooh, That's Gross!" program is designed to connect with kindergarten through 6th grade students. Children are taken out to the farm to watch livestock during the mating season. As you can imagine, answers to the many questions they ask are intended to repulse the children and give them the heeby jeebies when it comes to physical contact with the opposite sex. Then after the field trip they are given a "Dick is icky" or Jane is creepy" cooties prevention coloring book. So far the success has been remarkable, although food fights between boys and girls are now on the rise.
(Note: This fictional report is for entertainment purposes only)

 

 

   

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